Friday, June 3, 2011

Friends with Benefits

If you've read this here little blog for more than a minute, you've probably picked up on a few things quick:

-I like old stuff.
-I've been thinking about building a house out of old stuff.
-I am obsessive/compulsive (as in, "Hi, my name is Jenna. I can't stop searching for and buying old stuff.")
-Which means: Craigslist is my kryptonite

Not really surprising then that I "accidentally" found a luscious slab of antique marble up in Dallas. A 1930's warehouse was being closed, and this slab needed to go. For cheap - like real cheap. As in, "Hi, my name is Jenna. I can't pass up a deal on old stuff even if the purpose of the stuff is inexplicable." Except, on this beautifully rare occasion, I knew at once that this marble slab had a special purpose (The Jerk reference = totally intentional). Instead of building an elaborate bar area off of the kitchen in a future homestead, we'd use this baby which matches the other counter tops already salvaged. Way back when, I found another set of marble slabs, also located through the evil enchantress - craigslist. Remember that??

Of course, it's likely I lost you when I brought home the first lead-paint-encrusted door from the asylum. I mean, who wants to read about chippy old doors and antique sinks anyway (me me ME!). The point is just that me and the old-stuff-obsession go way back. This isn't much of a problem as long as it doesn't affect other, innocent people. And generally it doesn't, aside from Jeremy who doesn't count because he knew what he was getting into. For all other bystanders, my personal problem is harmless. Until we get into the heavy stuff. Joe and Kelley graciously helped us load the first round of marble which was salvaged here in Austin and was, in retrospect, as flimsy and light as cardboard.

My recent find in Dallas posed several problems, among which were 1) distance, but most importantly 2) weight. Being almost double the length and thickness of the first few, measly slabs, retrieving this one would be impossible. But when has "impossible" ever stopped people like us (Ok. Me. Just me.)?? Due to a lucky convergence of events and circumstances, it just so happened that The Most Amazing People on Earth would all be in Dallas at the very same time. What a fortuitous coincidence, made even better since our good friends Scott and Alicia live in Dallas. It's like the marble was meant to be in our future kitchen.

Because we happen to be friends with The Most Amazing People on Earth it required only minimal amounts of coercion to obtain their assistance with this most essential task. As always, however, I seriously underestimated the weight of what has now been dubbed Big Bertha, the most obnoxiously large piece of marble in Dallas, probably in the U.S., and definitely in Texas. Through the magic of cinema, and because of the incredible patience of Alicia (who was brilliant enough to catch it on her phone), I actually have proof of the lengths to which folks will go for a free meal. And also because they are, inherently, The Most Amazing People on Earth. Clever edits of the full 1 hour and 15 minute debacle are entirely the work of my genius producer friend Kelley who suffered an unfortunate finger injury through the ordeal. As you'll see, moving marble is a whole lot more than just that. It's an allegory of the human condition: our conflicts, hopes, fears, defeats and, ultimately, victories. In summation: We're stronger together than apart. Deep stuff, people. And now I give you: "Big Bertha: Man vs. Marble"

***Special thanks go to Scott, Alicia, Joe, Kelley, Jer, Phil (who I still owe dinner) and Sara (to whom I definitely owe dinner AND a drink due to the totally accidental placement of my hand. You'll see.).


Jesse said...

ok that was hilarious. And you wore a skirt and flip flops really? I question your survival instinct.

Alicia said...

I wonder how many times I have to watch this before I don't laugh out loud...

Thanks for providing us the with amazing err.. umm.. opportunity - yes, that's it! Opportunity!

No Name Farm/Ranch said...

Jess - I have awesome survival instincts. Didn't you see that I was wearing gloves? A: I'm so happy I could offer this opportunity to you. Since you enjoyed it so much, I'll try to provide more opportunities just like this in the future. You're welcome.